Bring Me The Horizon to sell Eco-friendly, sustainable, organic, grass-fed, free-range, green, gender-fluid band Merch by Teagan Greer
This Is Not Your Scene had the chance to interview Bring Me The Horizon recently on their fresh approach to tour merchandising. “We decided that since we were already selling Vegan burgers, we might as well fully embrace the Vegan lifestyle” said guitarist Lee Malia.
“Our band Merch is made out of 100% sustainable materials like bamboo-hemp tweed infused with flax-seed oil and recycled buckwheat toilet paper. We even have wristbands made from algae harvested and imported from local streams in Portland, Oregon. According to the Whole Foods rating system, the algae used to make our wristbands really lived a good life. It’s really a step in the right direction for the environment. We hope more bands will follow suit. It’s a win-win for everyone.”
When questioned about the absence of a logo on the new merchandise, lead singer Oliver Sykes responded “It’s more green that way, besides, we don’t even need a logo anymore” as he took a bite of his quinoa-tofurkey sandwich out of a mason jar.
When asked why the band refrains from signing autographs they stated, ” We couldn’t bring ourselves to waste the ink and paper that contribute to global warming and the melting polar ice caps that are starving polar bears everywhere. ” He went on to further explain, “We feel so strongly about this issue that we did not even sign our recording contract and are currently engaged in a verbal-only contract with Epitaph, but they aren’t returning our phone calls.”
For more details on their Vegan Burger, see link below.
In a tour prank to end all tour pranks, sources close to the band have leaked an image of Attila’s tour bus filled with over six hundred pounds of cocaine (in rock formation) by fellow tour-mates Falling in Reverse.
As Chris Fronzak had recently taken time off from Attila to be there for the birth of his second child, the band commissioned Danny Worsnop of We Are Harlot to fill in for him during several shows amidst his absence. “I just dove right in face first when I saw it” said Worsnop. “Honestly this is the best thing I’ve ever received. This will be enough cocaine to get me through the next two tours. It’s the gift that keeps on giving” he said enthusiastically.
Attila could not be reached for further comment but a video was posted to Ronnie Radke’s Instagram as seen here:
Following the Recording Academy’s announcement of the 2016 Grammy Nominees for Best Metal Performance, aging metal fans everywhere are in an uproar over newcomer August Burns Red’s nomination for their song “Identity”.
This Is Not Your Scene had a chance to interview fans to obtain their commentary on the rapidly unfolding situation. One fan stated, “I can’t believe Slayer or ACDC wasn’t nominated again, for the 20th year in a row.” Another Slayer fan lamented in the comments section, “well, i’ve never even herd of this band so they must be irrelevant. i mean, just look at they’re video. its like spongebob under the sea meets shark tank. Wut a bunch of fucken tards.” People continued to lash out following the announcement:
Despite all of the outrage, Slayer, ACDC, Black Sabbath and Maiden elitists alike have had a hard time grappling with the reality that fans today, which are actually their own grandchildren, do not in fact listen to the same style of metal. “They are showing no signs of coming to terms with the fact that their own taste in music is largely out of touch with what’s been happening in the modern music scene over the past fifteen years plus. Many of these same fans have not even noticed the litany of Fixodent ads populating on their Youtube searches and Facebook sidebar” stated a Grammy Committee member. “So you can only imagine how behind these people are. It is our sincere hope that more relevant nominations will begin to foster more foward-thinking and bring about a positive change to make the Grammys less of a laughing stock in years to come.”