Local band “well aware” poor sound could detract from otherwise enjoyable song

 

“We just didn’t have the budget”

AUSTIN, TX—Apologizing profusely for the excessive 4k and shoddy mastering, local band member Josh Carruthers, guitar player and producer for Austin’s own Phoenix Arise, solemnly vowed to his listeners Wednesday that the profoundly poor sound quality would be vastly improved for the next single. “Before we drop our single today, I need to apologize to all of you in advance about the audio quality. We had to use podfarm factory presets, and we ended up switching drum microphones at the last minute to Behringer, but I promise you everything will be way better on the next single,” said Carruthers, assuring his fans that he was well aware of how profoundly poor sound could detract from an otherwise enjoyable song. “We found a download for Izotope Ozone 5 and on our next single we plan to use the new FOP kit, so it should be a much better listening experience all-around. We also decided as a band we are going to make our own presents and in the future we will no longer use auto-tune. We want to show you guys what our voices are really like. Long time fans will know that I make every effort to make a professional quality production. Today we fell far, far short of that standard, and for that I am truly sorry.” Sources later confirmed that the sound remained subpar in the following release and that a despondent Carruthers told his fans he’d understand if they never illegally downloaded one of his songs again.

Blessthefall members finally overdose on Starbucks, admitted to area hospital

By Taylor Stevens

Phoenix, Arizona

Sources have reported that Blessthefall members recently overdosed on Starbucks whilst on a three day Mariokart bender, without stopping to eat or sleep. Members are currently admitted to area hospital for alleged observation and treatment of severe exhaustion, heart palpitations, ruptured eardrums and subsequent panic attacks. Additionally, guitarist Elliot Gruenberg was also rumored to have been treated for post traumatic stress disorder related to chronic self-imposed solitary confinement. Sources cite that Elliot’s medical condition may have been the inspiration behind their latest release entitled “To those Left Behind.” In unrelated news, vocalist Beau Bokan was asked when he thought Starbucks would finally spell his name correctly, he responded with “Does it even matter anymore.”

Be sure and catch Blessthefall on their upcoming summer tour promoting their latest release.