The famous suicide prevention sign, pictured above, was created several years ago by social activist and rock music enthusiast Carlos Enrique Navarro. For those not familiar with it, the sign was created in an effort to help thwart teen self-harm and suicide rates within the hardcore scene. The sign has since been pictured with over a hundred different rock, metal, and various core artists via his instagram @thesuicidesign. Recently however, the sign was allegedly left outside and sources have stated rain smeared the ink, leaving only certain words legible. In an interesting twist of fate, the sign now infamously reads: “Suicide end chances of life getting worse. Suicide better.” This minor setback did not prevent Navarro from continuing to use the sign on his nationwide photography tour, which is now heavily under scrutiny for being his only ticket to meet famous people.
When questioned about the changes to the sign and whether he felt he was sending the wrong message to young fans, Attila’s frontman Fronz responded with “Oh, I thought they were just trying a different angle”. He said “Hey watch my youtube videos on how to get a lambo” as we tried to hand the mic to Kyle Pavone of We Came as Romans. Kyle told This Is Not Your Scene “My manager just told me to hold it and smile for the camera, I never knew what it said because the truth is, I can’t read.” Fans were also interviewed about the new version of the sign and said ” I saw Kyle holding it and figured they were probably new WCAR lyrics. WCAR is my favorite band, I know everything about them. So if Kyle is promoting lyrics on a sign, I will be getting those lyrics tattooed on my knuckles.”
Update 12/7: Navarro came under fire again for starting an internet war with YouTube personality Bryan Stars, in an attempt to regain some relevancy after his sign and subsequent ticket to fame were retired from service. Stay tuned for updates.
In this exclusive story, This Is Not Your Scene is pleased to announce the grand re-opening of BandHappy. This time around the seminars will teach aging metal musicians the necessary life-hacks needed to transition into a 9 to 5 workforce following the gradual decline and inevitable end their careers. The symposium will also include a post-discussion focus group and a complimentary therapy session that places an emphasis on reality-orientation and ‘letting go’.
“Between the ages of 30-35 is when we start to witness a sharp decline in a musician’s relevancy when it comes to teenage girls, which is their primary source of income. Most musicians who do manage to live past the age of 30 have already missed out on the critical developmental period that would normally take place in their early twenties; so they invariably have no other like-skills to speak of” said Matt Halpern, founder of BandHappy. “Hallmark skills generally include but are not limited to: narcissistic personality disorder, above-average iPhone navigation, selfie skills, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, consuming below-average pizza on a nightly basis yet defying all odds to live another day, quick access to drug dealers nationwide and finally, being able to thoroughly amuse themselves with the sound of their own voice. These skills are in little demand however for jobs that don’t include being a rockstar.” Studies have shown most 30-35 year old aging musicians are almost frozen in time; they have the mental capacity of an average 18 year old still living at mom’s with zero responsibilities and an over-reaching outlook on life. Sadly very few have the ability to do laundry, feed themselves or even do their own taxes. Akin to a wild animal who was raised by humans, they will never be able to survive in the real world on their own.”
“It’s a sad situation. But that’s where we come in. We at BandHappy saw a critical need for intervention and decided to form an outreach program. If it wasn’t for us, these destitute musicians would have no where else to turn when they inevitably lose their jobs to their younger, better looking counterparts” he said. He also noted that many musicians vastly over-estimate their importance in the industry and are often blind-sided when labels and booking agents start letting them go. “We couldn’t sit idly by and let them slip through the cracks. With our program, 67% of aging musicians were able to find work within 6 months. In the future we’d like to try reaching these musicians even sooner, around the ages of 27-30, so they have more time to prepare for the life altering changes that are about to take place. The reward for us is simply seeing them get back on their feet. Classes start out at $1,999 per session, and you can sign up right now on our website.”
“The workshops and coaching skills gave me the confidence to start a new chapter of my life” said elderly musician Shawn Milke of Alesana, who will begin his new career as a Data Entry Specialist for a local temp agency on his 36th birthday. “It’s all thanks to BandHappy”
San Francisco, California
Following the end of an ongoing class-action lawsuit involving their video theft scandal in 2014, We Are Triumphant was forced to pay $2,500 in damages to Jared Dines, among others, for farming popular Youtube videos and illegally re-posting them as their own, see below. The judge also sentenced WAT’s owner to six months of community service for defacing his own band’s Facebook pages when they attempted to exit the label peacefully. Sources have stated the $2,500 fine bankrupted the label, emptying out their entire savings account. The fate of the label remains uncertain at this time, but the owner is still signing bands and if your band is interested please contact him on their website as soon as possible.
(Referenced here: http://lambgoat.com/blog/583/Jared-Dines-vs-We-Are-Triumphant-and-Things-sketchy-records-labels-say).
This Is Not Your Scene recently caught up with Chris Fronzak in his hometown of Orlando, Florida. “Anytime I need to get more bling, another Ferrari, or support my girlfriend’s shopping addiction, I simply launch a shirt with the word “Fuck” on it, problem solved. It doesn’t even matter what the shirt says anymore” he emphasized. “You put “Fuck” on a tank top with bold textured white font and kids will buy it. The shirt could even be pink or even tie-dyed. It doesn’t matter. These are trade secrets” he stressed. I tried selling shirts with a picture of Capri-Sun and a hairless cat that said Dank Yoloswag and I didn’t sell a single one. I added the word “Fuck” and I sold more than 2,000 of them before noon first day of Warped Tour this year. ”
Catch Fronzilla on his upcoming solo rap tour this winter, see flyer below:
Sources cite that Hologram Mitch Lucker will be doing a three part TED Talks series on off-road vehicular safety in December. The series will highlight safety techniques such as defensive driving, minimizing distractions, and carseat safety for babies. The immaculately-chiseled hologram rendition of Mitch Lucker was created by Hollywood special effects studio Digital Domain in an effort to raise awareness about off road vehicle accidents. Total cost? $400,000. The money for the hologram was raised by the #RIPMitchLucker Foundation, via Indie-Go-Go. “Fans were getting tired of donating to Indie Go-Go’s for things like DIY recording budgets, totaled tour buses or stints in rehab. This is a fun and educational Indie Go-Go that really gives back to the hardcore community.”
This just in: Up and coming djentcore band Unit of Measurement just signed to Sumerian Records after a grueling four month Battle of the Bands contest and are looking forward to years of indentured-servitude. The contest was a self funded worldwide tour-turned reality show consisting of bands hand picked by Sumerian. In the spirit of popular reality show Naked and Afraid, all bands were required to play strictly uncovered, outdoor shows completely exposed to the elements, enduring severe weather extremes and foraging for their own food and water. “It’s a real test of endurance because we want to make sure we are signing bands that actually appreciate the $10,000 advance we are so graciously bestowing on them. They have to work for it” explained Ash Avildsen, owner of Sumerian Records and director of the show.
We caught up with the vocalist of Unit of Measurement following his return home to get his thoughts on scoring the new deal: “I just can’t wait for the thrill of living in a rusted out van, taking shits in gas station bathrooms, and not showering for weeks on end until the stench of rotting food, sweat and foot fungus completely permeates our 1996 Ford 15 passenger van with 760,540 miles on it” he stated enthusiastically. “All whilst our label siphons off the majority of our royalties from our seven album deal. I’ve waited my whole life for this” he continued. “I’m looking forward to follwing Ash’s instagram feed, to watch how our hard-earned money disappears into thin air via renting yachts on Lake Tahoe, or making shitty straight-to-DVD indie flicks with G-list actors” the drummer enthusiastically added. ” We couldn’t afford a lawyer so we had to take their 360 deal, but hey, at least we aren’t signed to Victory! #silver-lining.”
This Is Not Your Scene has learned one of the bands involved in the contest unfortunately lost their spot after succumbing to severe heat exhaustion following an outdoor show that was held in the Australian outback for native Aborigines. Reports cite another band dropped out early on in the race after allegedly contracting ebola during a show in the jungles of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Sumerian Records declined to comment on the former, but did confirm that a band dropped out of the race after the bands drummer developed gangrene related to a severe case of frostbite from playing without his shoes at an outdoor show in the Siberian wilderness.
Relieved Danny Worsnop narrowly avoids haircut
” I finally passed out on the floor of my apartment the other night after a three day coke bender, and that’s when my girlfriend came at me with electric clippers. She refuses to be seen in public with me, and says I am ‘starting to resemble a mixture of Charles Manson, the Cowardly Lion and Joaquin Phoenix when he got really weird for a year’. But she needs to understand I am the new king of rock and roll. These rebellious bristles and locks of love aren’t going anywhere. Thankfully I woke up just in time to make my escape.”
In unrelated news, sources say Ben Bruce of Asking Alexandria, Worsnop’s former band, was overheard backstage at Reading Festival saying “I hope Danny goes bald and gets a hole tattooed on top of his head so he can walk around like the dickhead he actually is.”