In this exclusive story, This Is Not Your Scene is pleased to announce the grand re-opening of BandHappy. This time around the seminars will teach aging metal musicians the necessary life-hacks needed to transition into a 9 to 5 workforce following the gradual decline and inevitable end their careers. The symposium will also include a post-discussion focus group and a complimentary therapy session that places an emphasis on reality-orientation and ‘letting go’.
“Between the ages of 30-35 is when we start to witness a sharp decline in a musician’s relevancy when it comes to teenage girls, which is their primary source of income. Most musicians who do manage to live past the age of 30 have already missed out on the critical developmental period that would normally take place in their early twenties; so they invariably have no other like-skills to speak of” said Matt Halpern, founder of BandHappy. “Hallmark skills generally include but are not limited to: narcissistic personality disorder, above-average iPhone navigation, selfie skills, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, consuming below-average pizza on a nightly basis yet defying all odds to live another day, quick access to drug dealers nationwide and finally, being able to thoroughly amuse themselves with the sound of their own voice. These skills are in little demand however for jobs that don’t include being a rockstar.” Studies have shown most 30-35 year old aging musicians are almost frozen in time; they have the mental capacity of an average 18 year old still living at mom’s with zero responsibilities and an over-reaching outlook on life. Sadly very few have the ability to do laundry, feed themselves or even do their own taxes. Akin to a wild animal who was raised by humans, they will never be able to survive in the real world on their own.”
“It’s a sad situation. But that’s where we come in. We at BandHappy saw a critical need for intervention and decided to form an outreach program. If it wasn’t for us, these destitute musicians would have no where else to turn when they inevitably lose their jobs to their younger, better looking counterparts” he said. He also noted that many musicians vastly over-estimate their importance in the industry and are often blind-sided when labels and booking agents start letting them go. “We couldn’t sit idly by and let them slip through the cracks. With our program, 67% of aging musicians were able to find work within 6 months. In the future we’d like to try reaching these musicians even sooner, around the ages of 27-30, so they have more time to prepare for the life altering changes that are about to take place. The reward for us is simply seeing them get back on their feet. Classes start out at $1,999 per session, and you can sign up right now on our website.”
“The workshops and coaching skills gave me the confidence to start a new chapter of my life” said elderly musician Shawn Milke of Alesana, who will begin his new career as a Data Entry Specialist for a local temp agency on his 36th birthday. “It’s all thanks to BandHappy”